2014

2013 kind of hung me out to dry. Especially the last few months. But I'm also grateful for 2013. I know the kind of person I want to be—that's not to say I'm always perfect at executing those ideals, but I know what I'm working towards. 

2014, I'm expecting big things from you. I'm trying to dream bigger and work harder. I'm trying to treat my body more kindly (hello, gym...) and get more sleep. I'm trying to be better at time management so I can be better at fun. But most importantly I'm trying to be more gentle with myself. And others. Things are rarely as black and white as I sometimes convince myself they are.

The night my sisters and I flew back to NJ for Christmas break, we were at Liz's apartment eating dinner—I started laughing so hard at my own joke that I choked on my burrito. Clearly I am the epitome of grace. But my point is, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a little credit. You are awesome. In this case, you are funny. And it's okay to think so, even if your sisters didn't at the moment (haha). You are amazing. No, not you in a year, or you in 10, or you when you get that job offer, or you when you graduate. You are awesome today. It doesn't matter what your snarky professor tells you, or what your leaders (bless their hearts) say. What you say and think is the important thing. You are amazing! That's not to say that there isn't room for improvement—obviously there always is. But, where you are, right now, at this exact moment, is pretty amazing. That's what I would tell 2013 Lauren. And I'd give her a hug too. 

Anyway, in 2014 I'm going to try and make a difference, hence I Was Here. Also Beyoncé. That is all.

P.S. I just thought of The Help. I guess what I'm trying to say is, "You is smart, you is kind, you is important." Also, you is funny.

I Can Do Hard Things

So one of my classes has been really difficult this semester. It's a prerequisite to applying to the photography program, but it's a design class that is mainly drawing. Let's just say I don't feel very adequate in that respect, especially because I'm in a class surrounded with pre-illustration, pre-graphic design, and pre-animation majors. I'm a pre-photography major. With no drawing skills. And sorry everyone, saying "you're so good, stop not giving yourself any credit... etc." doesn't really help (I know, it's sweet and well intentioned—it just doesn't make a difference when you [or maybe just I] feel inadequate.)

Anyway the point is that this class really difficult for me, not to mention that it's back to back with another class and gets out late at night. I dread it all week long. Also, it's held when my ward has ward prayer, which means I will never get to go. I'm not sure why I'm so bummed about this, but I am.

And then I realized something hilarious / slightly ridiculous.

Apparently I have really bad luck when it comes to Thursday night art classes. My senior year, I wanted to do everything I could to prepare for BYU's photography program, so I gave up taking AP psych (it's okay, I still took normal psych and loved it) and jumped through a lot of hoops to enroll in a photography class at the local college. I think I've finally recovered enough to find it (mostly) laughable now, but that was also really difficult for me for a bunch of reasons. I remember I would take a photo of these weird plants by the door to the building every week before I went in for class. Therapy.

So now whenever I see it, I associate this photo with Sister Dalton's phrase "I can do hard things."

So I guess the same goes for these late night shots at the HFAC. I can do hard things.

Although next semester, I'm going to avoid taking Thursday night art classes if at all possible. 

Let's not repeat history a third time.

Progress

I had an interesting writing assignment the other day that ended up being an observation of how I perceive my own progress. I think it's so easy for me to only focus on the things that I don't know (that I want to know) and completely disregard and ignore everything I've learned. I also have a really skewed sense of time. Not hour to hour, but long term. A few months ago I had just started my computer art class and was barely learning to use photoshop; a year ago I was just hearing the words "aperture", "ISO", and "shutter speed" for the first time.

And since then, I've learned so much, including how to code this little page you're reading right now! A few months I won a contest with a design I made in Illustrator ---- 700+ people will be wore my art on their t-shirts at Relay For Life! A few months ago, I literally didn't have a clue how to use Illustrator. And six months from now, I'm going to look at my first roll of film that I just shot this week and smile. Because (I'm hoping, hahaha) you'll be able to see the progress. 

I'm just saying, it's healthy to remember to give yourself a high five sometimes. You're doing great. Just start where you are. That's one of the reasons I love keeping this little blog of mine. Go to the top right photo in the navigation bar and click that archive link. Seriously. (ugh the HTML code randomly stops working sometimes, so forgive me if it doesn't work...) And scroll down to those oldest posts. There's a reason they're still there. Progress. It's so important to recognize. Some [most] of that stuff seems laughable now, but I think it's a good marker of how far I've come. And who knows ---- the stuff I'm posting now might seem laughable in a few months. It probably will be. But I'll still be proud of it. The journey is just as important as your destination. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Love that evolution. Too often I think there's such a facade that hides the learning curve for whatever reason. Maybe people think it's embarrassing? Well, I'm not going to hide it. There's still so much that I don't know ---- there's so much that I've got no clue about. But just as importantly, there is so much I have learned so far. And that is so essential to remember.

PS, this: 

Cannot Be Useless

"So long as there shall exist, by reason of law and custom, a social condemnation, which, in the face of civilization, artificially creates hells on earth, and complicates a destiny that is divine, with human fatality; so long as the three problems of the age — the degradation of man by poverty, the ruin of women by starvation, and the dwarfing of childhood by physical and spiritual night — are not solved; so long as, in certain regions, social asphyxia shall be possible; in other words, and from a yet more extended point of view, so long as ignorance and misery remain on earth, books like this cannot be useless.

— Victor Hugo, in regards to Les Miserables

 I discovered this quote in an old library copy of Les Miserables and loved it so much that I had no choice but to write it down immediately. Sometimes I wonder if I should be studying something else. Something more useful or noble or helpful... But then I think about it and the bottom line is simply how can you use this to help others? This quote just resonated  with me — books, words, music, film: they can all communicate to people so profoundly at times. It's all about what message you're trying to send, and as long as there is suffering in this world, "books like this cannot be useless." Nothing that inspires, gives hope, or expresses the beauty of human life can be useless if there are people that need to hear it.

My Love/Hate Relationship With Social Media

Sometimes I feel completely bipolar in regards to social media. 

By far, social media outlets like Pinterest, various blogs, and Vimeo have been one of my biggest inspirations, creatively. (You can see some of my favorite sources of inspiration at the bottom of my page, under the tab Inspire Me.) I love that you can stumble upon something that just completely changes the way you view the world. I talked about inspiration a little bit in my Ten Most Significant post. I love that I can keep in touch with my sisters all the way in Provo (even though I'll be joining them in August!! AHH) and see what everyone is up to. I love following florists and New Yorkers on Instagram, and comedians like Mindy Kaling on Twitter. I love that people can so easily create something that never existed before or learn something new from someone they look up to or have never even met. I love that on a lot of blogs, you can see someone's artistic evolution; their journey to where they are now. That is one of my favorite parts of social media; it gives me hope for my future. ;)

Most of all, I love this little blog of mine. I realize that it's mostly my family that reads it ---- they're so loyal. ;) But more than anything, I write this for me. I love that when I see this little header and navigation bar I created, this little "corner of the internet" that I designed and is mine to curate, there's this little surge of pride that swells in my chest. When I click on that "Archive" button, it takes me to a journey. My journey. A lot of times, I (mentally and/or physically) lie on the floor (it's a girl thing) and reevaluate. I make the mistake FDR tries to prevent every time ("comparison is the thief of joy") and sometimes am annoyed or upset that this or that class/project/thing didn't work out; I wonder "how do they even do that?"; my skills feel pretty inadequate. But then I look at my little archive. I scroll down, to the bottom, and feel better. I think to myself how laughable some [all] of those photos are, but I will never delete them. They are part of my journey and they show how much I have grown, learned, and evolved. And maybe, someday they'll inspire someone else. That would be so gratifying. There was once a time when I didn't know anything, and I mean anything about photography, videography, you name it. But I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to! So, I picked up a book and I taught myself.

I love that there are platforms that constantly change ---- the internet and social media literally provide a never-ending stream of new inspiration. There is always something new to discover; there is always something that will inspire me to learn a new skill. There is always something that will make you think that you could do something you never thought you could, after all.

BUT.

Sometimes I hate social media. Sometime's it is the worst. I probably think about deleting my Facebook more than once a week. There is so much complaining that goes on. And oversharing. Oh, the oversharing. Sometimes, I think people forget about boundaries on social media. Sometimes, it's disappointing that because social media is so visual, there's a huge focus on being materialistic. These things are enough to make me want to get rid of it, but I'm torn because of all the reasons above. I think people are so inspiring, and I love to keep in touch with family and friends, but I find the rest of it so disenchanting.

I guess that it's all about balance.

During the month of February, I started obsessively checking my email, for a letter from BYU, of course! I can relax now, because I got in yesterday! Yay! But I'm kind of tired of social media, and I think it's time to make a few changes. I'm not addicted to my phone, not even close! There's no need to worry. ;) I have just been wanting to make a few changes and I've heard some really good ideas lately and thought I would share. Want to join me?

1 // I'm going to find my alarm clock and when I do, I'm going to start charging my phone downstairs. I know this will make a huge difference. Huge.

2 // I'm going to charge my computer downstairs with my phone. Mostly I'm going to just try to use electronics less overall, but especially in my bedroom/when I should be sleeping.

3 // I'm going to try not to use my phone after 10. Basically I should be letting my mind wind down at night. And I'm not. I already have insomnia a lot, and I'm sure this isn't helping. When we were little and couldn't sleep, my Dad would recommend that we get a glass of milk and read until we were tired. It definitely always worked. Read instead!

4 // I'm going to keep my phone in my [locked, as always] locker during school. I usually read in class when I'm free anyway, but I think it'd be a good break to simply not use it at all, on purpose.

5 // Finally, I'm going to stop using my phone on Sundays. Maybe with the exception of The Oscars tomorrow, though. Baby steps. ;)

What are your thoughts on social media? It's a fickle thing, that's for sure.

10 Most Significant

As part of an application I was reading over the other day, one of the major points was a 10 Most Significant list, defined as "a list of 10 films, television programs, books (other than the scriptures), web sites, music, plays, or video games you have read, viewed, or experienced" and why they were significant, remarkable, or noteworthy to you.

Whoa. Whoa. Can you even comprehend that? The idea of this is so awesome.

I love that the application wants to know you by asking you about what you love; what inspires you; what has influenced you so meaningfully that you would number it in a list of only ten items of the millions and millions of things that have ever been created, dreamt, or imagined.

That. Is. amazing. And it's something I'm not sure I've been able to wrap my head around yet...

What's your 10 Most Significant list?

Film is Not Dead

I want to learn how to shoot film. But I need a little help.
I came across this a few weeks ago in Barnes & Noble and think this might be able to give me the little push I need.... 

(SOURCE)

An excerpt from Film is Not Dead: A Digital Photographer's Guide to Shooting Film:

"It's [the book] is designed for you to read all the way through to build the beginnings of a film foundation. Let me repeat: it's designed for you to read all the way through before freaking out about the 6,873 questions this book has created.* 

Just know that many times, my answer will be pretty boring. My answer will be 'try it and see' or 'practice, practice, practice' or something along the lines of a long rambling answer ending in 'hard work, sacrifice, and discipline.'"

*reason number one that I knew this book was for me.

When I say I want to learn how to shoot film, I'm not talking about my little diana mini with minimal controls (see my favorites here & others here)--- that's just for fun and I love it all the same. But I want to learn real film. I want to be able to just know the exposure I need and shoot something with no help at all from something electronic. I want to know how to do something that requires skill and talent. I just think it feels so much more special than digital. Each exposure is so intentional. There's more thought and care, and each frame is so much more meaningful. Not to mention that the look is just way more beautiful than digital.

I guess I've just been a little lost on where to start. It looks like this might be it.

new year, new goals

This year, I'm trying to

• be a better friend // more outgoing in general
• stretch myself, artistically & spiritually
• take better care of my body: sleep earlier, eat better, and exercise more
• go to college... and make lots of friends in the dorms!
• and finally, reach out & give more heartfelt compliments to others

My art teacher once told me that the best way to work at goals is one day at a time. She said everyday, do one thing for your mind, one thing for your body, and one thing for your spirit. That way you're always improving, but in all aspects of your life, not just one.

Progress

progressnoun |ˈprägrəs; ˈprägˌres; ˈprōˌgres|forward or onward movement toward a destination
..................................................................................................................................................
i love words. i love that you can find the exact term that embodies exactly what you are trying to express. and i think the word "progress" is something i need to remember more often.
there is a lot of truth in the words of this song. 
i'm a driven person, and i have a lot of goals and dreams for myself. i think the problem that i sometimes encounter, and i recognize this, is that i'm focused on destinations. i can't wait to graduate, i can't wait for college, i can't wait until someday i live in a big city, i can't wait, i can't wait, i can't wait....
i think finding joy in progress is harder than finding the joy in reaching your destination. i can't wait until my portfolio is full of images that are exact to my artistic vision. the thing i have a hard time with is recognizing that i'm better than i was last week. 
compared to when i started my classes in september, i'm exponentially better at picking out the nuances in my photos. i look at the assignments i shot and can pick out, bam bam bam, all things that i can notice and fix the next time. 
so, i guess what i'm saying is a few (actually some really major) things clicked this week, (um, the different types of light metering, anyone?) and now, i can really see what progress i can make now that i understand a few crucial things i had tried to teach myself. 
so, here's to moving onward towards your own destination, and being happy with yourself although you're not there yet.

{i found this as a draft from january} goals

i'm not one to typically share my goals with everyone, so no juicy details here, but here's to goals in general. i'm finishing up my birthday goals list for last year, finishing writing this year's, and adding a few daily things to my routine that will hopefully pay off in the end.

i had ideas about what i've wanted to study in college, and finally in the past few weeks as we've gotten course selection for my last year, it kind of hit me in this way.

so here's to some new goals that will make me stretch, but hopefully pay off in the end. yay!

you've got to start somewhere, right?

i just went running. i'm already running a mile and working my way up to 3.1. but hey, you've got to start somewhere, right? some little changes i made today:

i ran a mile

i drank three 16 oz. glasses of water

and i practiced the piano for around an hour. i've been a little neglectful because of the musical, but now that it's over, i can restart all these good habits again.



oh and i've been meaning to not take the lazy way out anymore....

Starting now, I promise that I will capitalize everything that needs to be capitalized. I'm surprised I've let it go on for so long!

xo.