Hang In There, Joan

"If for a while, the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart.

So it has been with the best people who ever lived."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

Thoughts At The End of The School Year

Holy cow. The past few weeks have been all over the map. So difficult and yet so good. I'm not feeling very eloquent but I want to get some thoughts down, so I give you a list. Do what you will with it:

• A couple weeks ago I called my mom and accidentally ended up crying for two hours to her over the phone. I love her so much and the more I grow the more I realize what an amazing individual she is. I am constantly blown away by her knowledge, compassion, and patience. I think about how much she truly, deeply cares about her patients and her family and I hope that one day I will be able to mirror with my work and family even a fraction of the good she has accomplished in this world. I love you so much, mom. You amaze me every single day. (You too, Dad. Love you!)
• I'm grateful for good friends that will stay up till 2 AM and talk about art and feelings and drink herbal tea and suggest movie nights and Sodalicious runs right when you need them. 
• I'm planning on about a thousand posts with all the beautiful things and epiphanies that I have come to over the course of the semester in 'Intro to Film,' but for now suffice it to say that I know that this is what I want to do. What a beautiful way to change the world.
• This photo acted as a catalyst for me to chop my hair when I saw it Wednesday night, but don't worry—I'd been wanting to try shorter hair for months! I chopped it yesterday and currently feel like a new woman (see photo at the top of this post). Here's to just a spoonful of spontaneity now and then. 
• Right now I need to be heading to a Biology review—speaking of Biology, pray for me because I need to approach like 20 strangers later today and ask to take their portrait for a project on genetics. SO SCARY
• Finally, I am grateful for figurative growing pains. I know I'm not the same person I was when I moved out here in August for that I am grateful.

The Lord Looketh on the Heart

 

(A few happy things: "All of Me" on repeat, empty memory cards with lots of potential, my favorite picture of all time [the polaroid of Scout], freebie gold nail polish from Sundance, and a free edition of 'International Cinematographers Guild' [also from Sundance] that I really love.)

Something that was reaffirmed to me today was 1st Samuel 16:7 "...for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." In my film class today, we watched the documentary New York Doll. I was dreading it a little because I was tired and I didn't yet understand the power of an ethical documentary. Sure, I've seen and enjoyed many documentaries, but I had no interest in watching this one.

I was wrong.

I wept. It was beautiful. And it changed my life.

That's all I have in me for tonight, but expect more on New York Doll in the near future.

2014

2013 kind of hung me out to dry. Especially the last few months. But I'm also grateful for 2013. I know the kind of person I want to be—that's not to say I'm always perfect at executing those ideals, but I know what I'm working towards. 

2014, I'm expecting big things from you. I'm trying to dream bigger and work harder. I'm trying to treat my body more kindly (hello, gym...) and get more sleep. I'm trying to be better at time management so I can be better at fun. But most importantly I'm trying to be more gentle with myself. And others. Things are rarely as black and white as I sometimes convince myself they are.

The night my sisters and I flew back to NJ for Christmas break, we were at Liz's apartment eating dinner—I started laughing so hard at my own joke that I choked on my burrito. Clearly I am the epitome of grace. But my point is, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a little credit. You are awesome. In this case, you are funny. And it's okay to think so, even if your sisters didn't at the moment (haha). You are amazing. No, not you in a year, or you in 10, or you when you get that job offer, or you when you graduate. You are awesome today. It doesn't matter what your snarky professor tells you, or what your leaders (bless their hearts) say. What you say and think is the important thing. You are amazing! That's not to say that there isn't room for improvement—obviously there always is. But, where you are, right now, at this exact moment, is pretty amazing. That's what I would tell 2013 Lauren. And I'd give her a hug too. 

Anyway, in 2014 I'm going to try and make a difference, hence I Was Here. Also Beyoncé. That is all.

P.S. I just thought of The Help. I guess what I'm trying to say is, "You is smart, you is kind, you is important." Also, you is funny.

The November Home Stretch

(as opposed to the one before finals week)

Sometimes there's an innate meaning to a photograph that's assigned to it as soon as you take it. And you're the only one who needs to know. 

I Can Do Hard Things

So one of my classes has been really difficult this semester. It's a prerequisite to applying to the photography program, but it's a design class that is mainly drawing. Let's just say I don't feel very adequate in that respect, especially because I'm in a class surrounded with pre-illustration, pre-graphic design, and pre-animation majors. I'm a pre-photography major. With no drawing skills. And sorry everyone, saying "you're so good, stop not giving yourself any credit... etc." doesn't really help (I know, it's sweet and well intentioned—it just doesn't make a difference when you [or maybe just I] feel inadequate.)

Anyway the point is that this class really difficult for me, not to mention that it's back to back with another class and gets out late at night. I dread it all week long. Also, it's held when my ward has ward prayer, which means I will never get to go. I'm not sure why I'm so bummed about this, but I am.

And then I realized something hilarious / slightly ridiculous.

Apparently I have really bad luck when it comes to Thursday night art classes. My senior year, I wanted to do everything I could to prepare for BYU's photography program, so I gave up taking AP psych (it's okay, I still took normal psych and loved it) and jumped through a lot of hoops to enroll in a photography class at the local college. I think I've finally recovered enough to find it (mostly) laughable now, but that was also really difficult for me for a bunch of reasons. I remember I would take a photo of these weird plants by the door to the building every week before I went in for class. Therapy.

So now whenever I see it, I associate this photo with Sister Dalton's phrase "I can do hard things."

So I guess the same goes for these late night shots at the HFAC. I can do hard things.

Although next semester, I'm going to avoid taking Thursday night art classes if at all possible. 

Let's not repeat history a third time.

9/11

This is a paper from an Exhibit at the Smithsonian, showing how 9/11 impacted children. I was seven when I drew this. See more here. I think it just shows how young you are at age 6.

I remember the day. I was in my first grade classroom when my teacher answered her phone. I remember she told us that a plane had crashed into a large building in New York City and we would all be going home early. We turned on the television but a room full of six-year-olds didn't understand what had really happened. And we shouldn't have. 

Later that day I remember talking to my Mom—she had been in Pennsylvania and immediately crossed the bridge to come home, lest she be stuck there in all the chaos. I was so sad because in my innocent six-year-old mind, I had thought it was an accident. I had imagined one of those planes that did tricks—I thought it crashed by accident when it was trying to do loop-de-loops. 

That's what I remember. I remember watching the news and having most of it go over my head—as it should—but I could feel the difference. This was not the world we lived in yesterday. 

Loop-de-loops. 

I don't remember a world where you could meet people at the airport gate. Movies like Sleepless in Seattle and Love Actually aren't possible in the world I know. 

I remember September 11th and I remember the world after it. But I don't remember a time before strict TSA regulations. I don't remember a world where you could run and stop the love of your life from getting on that plane. 

I don't remember.

God bless America, and I hope that all those who lost on this day can feel our love and the love of those who may not be on this Earth anymore, although they are still with us.

Cannot Be Useless

"So long as there shall exist, by reason of law and custom, a social condemnation, which, in the face of civilization, artificially creates hells on earth, and complicates a destiny that is divine, with human fatality; so long as the three problems of the age — the degradation of man by poverty, the ruin of women by starvation, and the dwarfing of childhood by physical and spiritual night — are not solved; so long as, in certain regions, social asphyxia shall be possible; in other words, and from a yet more extended point of view, so long as ignorance and misery remain on earth, books like this cannot be useless.

— Victor Hugo, in regards to Les Miserables

 I discovered this quote in an old library copy of Les Miserables and loved it so much that I had no choice but to write it down immediately. Sometimes I wonder if I should be studying something else. Something more useful or noble or helpful... But then I think about it and the bottom line is simply how can you use this to help others? This quote just resonated  with me — books, words, music, film: they can all communicate to people so profoundly at times. It's all about what message you're trying to send, and as long as there is suffering in this world, "books like this cannot be useless." Nothing that inspires, gives hope, or expresses the beauty of human life can be useless if there are people that need to hear it.

Saturday Session: Favorite Quote

"Our innate longing to belong is fulfilled in righteousness." David A. Bednar

The Church is True

i was so touched by a few messages in church today. i thought, especially if you're reading this, you might be too. read this talk from president uchtdorf. (the full talk is here, and you can watch the video of it by clicking the "watch" link to the right. i highly recommend watching it!)

"When Harriet prepares a meal, it’s a masterpiece. Her cuisine is as wide-ranging as the world, and she frequently prepares dishes from countries we have visited. The presentation of the food is awe inspiring. In fact, it often looks so beautiful that it seems a crime to eat it. It’s as much a feast for the eyes as it is for the sense of taste.

But sure enough, no matter how perfect everything is, looks, and tastes, Harriet will apologize for something she thinks is imperfect. “I’m afraid I used a touch too much ginger,” she will say, or, “Next time, I think it would be better if I used a little more curry and one additional bay leaf.”

To me it appears that our splendid sisters sometimes undervalue their abilities—they focus on what is lacking or imperfect rather than what has been accomplished and who they really are.

Perhaps you recognize this trait in someone you know really well.

The good news is that this also points to an admirable quality: the innate desire to please the Lord to the best of your ability. Unfortunately, it can also lead to frustration, exhaustion, and unhappiness.

(and the best part:)

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside."


i found that observation of president uchtdorf's about undervaluing your abilities to ring so true to me, but i had never recognized that it's something important to not humor. it was eye-opening. 

and another talk, from neal a. maxwell: (find it here)

"Someone once said to a hesitant, prospective woodcarver who didn’t know quite how to begin, 

“Start making some chips!”

Our first feeble attempts at creativity are often no more than that. But they are a beginning. Beauty and truth are all about us, beckoning us to respond. But perspiration usually precedes inspiration, and pondering, reverentially, almost always occurs before we make any breakthrough. Creative work is sweet, but it is work!

While true creativity is something that can be shared by those who appreciate the works of creation, true creativity does not depend entirely upon “consumers” for its satisfaction. It is a highly personal experience in which we are grateful to the Lord for helping us to see beauty and truth and the order of things, for restructuring our understanding of things, if necessary, to accord with things “as they really are" (Jacob 4:13).

Creative experience is intrinsically satisfying. Then whatever appreciation comes from others for one’s efforts is an added blessing.

The greater our sensitivity to the Spirit, the greater our response to beauty, grace, and truth in all their forms as these exist about us.

I pray that each of us may truly see the wonder of all that our Father and His Son have created for us. And one of the best ways for you, or anyone, to begin that process, is by being creative yourself. If you don’t know quite where to begin, start making some chips. In your righteous desires, the Spirit will guide you."

{title unknown}

how i chose to spend my day today.

let us dedicate ourselves to that

i've always loved this speech. and i think robert kennedy's words are applicable to so much more than the specific event of which he spoke. not only are his words so touching, but they are completely off the cuff.

{this is a little random, but i just wanted to share}

just what i needed to hear

"Ordinary people who faithfully, diligently, and consistently do the simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results." ~ David A. Bednar

some instax observations

a few things i've learned about my instax mini:

on the mini, the flash is automatic. you can't turn it off. so i should probably stop trying to take pictures of reflective surfaces. (see photo 2)

when shooting far away, the viewfinder is an accurate display of what the lens is capturing. but this isn't always true for macro style shots. (see photo 3) oops!

and finally, the direct sun will just burn your exposure on instax film. (see photo 4) this is a no-brainer. but i still messed up. haha. but you can still see part of the upstate ny mountains at the bottom if you look closely. 

i love my camera. i don't always make silly mistakes either! the first photo of the boston temple is proof! and here's some more.

in his strength i can do all things

my past week was spent camping up in the mountains of the empire state with the 12 to 18 year old young women in my stake. there may have been some smore eating, tie-dye wearing, muddy buddy making, dance party jamming, and real life engagement story telling going on. along with the usual hiking and camping. psh. i was a youth camp leader (counselor) over the fourteen year old girls. they're the best. i feel like a proud momma because they'll be starting high school next month!

this year's theme was alma 26:12, "in his strength i can do all things"

we also picked next year's theme: moses 7:18, "one heart, one mind"

i also made the commitment to myself that if i was going to be spending a week with these girls and trying to learn to be a leader and example, i was going to do that completely. and that meant leaving my cell phone and ipod at home. i might have been kicking myself a little for that because of the eight hour round trip in the car, but i think it was good to be apart from the world if even just for a week.

with a dead camera battery i only managed to snap a few photos before it went all the way bad. oh well, what's a girl to do?

all of our level three girls!

level three YCLS. we're the bomb.

cats of my tribe, cabin nine.